Observer revelations from the ‘March for Science’ in Washington D.C.


By Matt Fisher Columnist This past weekend, I was in the nation’s capital. On Saturday, purely by coincidence, I found myself surrounded by a bunch of nerds who were whining about “our President who doesn’t care about science,” and “how the earth is getting hotter because of fossil fuels.” Bill Nye was there (supposedly)! The hypothesis “April showers bring May flowers” was definitely backed up that day, as it was pouring rain the entire march. Ironic that there’s a “march” in April, right? Or maybe it’s just coincidence. Anyway, I don’t know how climate change works, but I am definitely skeptical, because it was VERY cold when it’s supposedly “spring” and the rain only made it worse. The display itself was very inspiring, as people of all kinds showed up just to yell about science in the streets. I wonder, do the police who have to stand at the closed roads for protests enjoy it? It seems kind of fun, because they get to observe protests they may agree with while getting paid. Donald Trump has something to say about paid protesters, which is something I can understand. It would be difficult for me to stand out there for long if I WASN’T getting paid. However, since the subject of the march was science, I thought I’d do a little reflecting on the role science has played in my life, since, according to those protesters, it is responsible for so much of our daily lives. Science is tight as hell. Think about it. I like Star Wars a lot, and that’s based on science. Without science, there is no science fiction. My computer is made of science, and people who study computers are computer scientists. Science, like the word “interesting,” is an all-encompassing term. Science is nature, science is technology. Science can apply to food as much as it can apply to music. Most importantly, science can be attributed to one of the most important phenomena of the 21st century: Memes. On every level, science permeates our dankest and most wholesome moments for you to drunkenly DM your crush at 3 in the morning. Harambe was a gorilla who was rescued and placed into a zoo because of science. You can scroll Instagram on this tiny screen from bed because of science. As a self-taught “meme scientist” myself, this is very important. At the march, people were walking around with the meme’s natural ancestor, the protest sign. Protest signs are a bunch of running jokes writ large, which is basically what memes are. In fact, some people’s signs were literally printed out memes, referencing our president’s tiny hands, or everybody’s favorite scientist, international icon and sex symbol Neil Degrasse Tyson. I am not here to tell you that Donald Trump doesn’t care about science. Clearly he is all about experimenting in societal norms, presidential qualifications, and tie length. And, his best friend/sleepy grandpa Ben Carson was a brain surgeon! So he must believe in science, which is why he’s now the head of…Housing and Urban Development. Don’t forget that Donald Trump loves rockets! And I’m not talking about James Harden. Those are literally part of the term “rocket science,” which refers to when you manufacture all the big missiles that we use to bomb Iraq or Syria or whoever. If cooking is an exercise in science, then science must be responsible for “the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake.” Science was responsible for Twitter! Brain surgery and rocket science are the two most quintessentially complicated scientific endeavors! And since we have literally no other evidence of scientific endeavors from the White House, clearly Trump only wants to concern himself with the most complicated, impressive forms of science. All your other lame, normie sciences like weather and solar energy are clearly inferior to our President’s very big, super great huge intellect. All this recent protesting of every conceivable category shows that people are much more passionate about marching than they are voting (zing!). It’s got me thinking that instead of writing articles, I should just walk along Pennsylvania Ave yelling about how malls are the worst. Thank god the Washington Mall isn’t an actual mall, or else I would have LOST IT.


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