By Sara Block
Listen up, ladies. I have had a great epiphany, a great moment of sheer brilliance. So get ready to read carefully, take notes, maybe frame this very missive. I’m incorporating my uterus as an ecclesiastic corporation, and so should you!
The recent GOP debates have pushed every woman’s uterus into the forefront of American consciousness. How much autonomy do I have over something that is happening inside my own body, you might ask yourself. The answer, as per Roe v. Wade, is that up until fetal viability (between 24-28 weeks), your autonomy should be complete. This decision legalized abortion in the U.S., along with the right of a woman to choose whether or not she would make use of this completely legal service.
But the thing is, some people just don’t like that a grown woman has more rights than clusters of cells and unviable fetuses. Personhood bills! Abortion restrictions! Attacks on Planned Parenthood’s access to Title X federal funds! Apparently, in the good old U.S. of A., you shouldn’t have rights unless you’re a middle aged male or an unborn fetus.
However, fear not, for there are still a few other sneaky additions to the list of things that have unalienable rights in our country that women need to learn how to use to our advantage before it’s too late and uterine control heads back to the dark ages.
Corporations, as the backbone of the American dream and true holders of power in this capitalist mecca we call home, enjoy a number of rights. And, as my dear friend Mittens Romney is so fond of saying, corporations are good people too. If corporations can be classified as people and enjoy such perks as the ability to skirt donation laws for political campaigns, why can’t I just incorporate my uterus and get a little law-skirting power of my own? Maybe once I incorporate, I’ll have access to some of that Wall Street bailout money in addition to my new autonomy.
The other untapped pool of unalienable rights holders is the ecclesiastic sector. You know how the constitution guarantees freedom of religious expression and from religious persecution?
Well, this country takes our constitution very seriously—so seriously, in fact, that we are still embroiled in a national debate about whether or not Christian universities can opt out of providing birth control for female employees and students under its healthcare policy. The Supreme Court recently voted unanimously to let religious freedom drive right over all the other silly laws we have in this country, like the Americans with Disabilities Act. Our Supreme Court told Cheryl Perich, a woman who was fired from her position as a teacher at a Lutheran school while on disability leave, that the first amendment protected the school’s right to express its religion freely and fire her for being disabled, despite the fact that for any institution without religious affiliation this action would be supremely illegal and punishable by law.
So ladies, what am I getting at? Right now, as a woman with a uterus, my right to make my own decisions is protected by Roe v. Wade, but under constant attack from proposed state and federal legislation that, given time, may become law and seriously restrict or abolish my rights. However, as the CEO of St Mary’s Uterus, LLC, I will be well within my constitutional rights to hire, fire and perform any other business transactions with impunity and even fierce governmental protection. So protect yourselves and your rights. Incorporate your uterus ecclesiastically today!