Insight into Donald Trump’s first 100 days as the Union College president

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Union College hired Donald Trump to be President because the Trustees were looking for “not just another one of those academic administrators.” Trump promised he would take Union College to the top of Princeton Review and College Board ratings. During the third round of interviews held at “Trump House” (formerly known as the President’s House), Donald Trump explained his passion for education, “Teachers love me! I have this one friend who is a professor and he hates tenure. We need to abolish tenure because these Professors are working very little. When I was at University of Penn, which is a very very good school, the professors were great. Union will have the best professors again!” The Trustees liked Trumps relentless ability to speak his mind. On the day of President Trump’s inauguration held at Library Plaza, he made a promise to the crowd of hopeful students, “We have no idea what is going on here. We must put a ban on international students until we can figure out what the heck is going on!” A lot has changed after Trumps first 100 days as President of Union College. Only a few of the promises he made during the interview process actually came to fruition. For instance, Union will no longer be accepting international students because they are stealing scholarship money from the legacy students. Additionally, Trump will slash the number of professors in half and freeze spending on hiring new faculty. The arts and humanities departments had the largest layoffs. One art major is reviewing her options and may transfer to a nearby college to continue her studies. Trump justifies these cuts from his previous experiences in education, “When I started Trump University we only had one professor. She was an expert teacher like Eliphalet Nott. We need more professors like Eliphalet. Trump University never disappointed the students and always delivered the best results.” Many changes have come as a surprise to the Union community. In response to an increase number of locals passing through the campus, facility workers are hard at work reinforcing the fence surrounding the campus. Last month the pointed-tips on the fence were sharpened in order to deter anyone from jumping over the top. According to the new President, the new fence will be the “most beautiful fence, impenetrable and large.” Also, the fence will have a small door for “some good people” to take pictures and walk their dogs on Union’s grounds. The most shocking announcement from the first 100 days is the transformation of Jackson’s Garden to a natural gas extraction area. Many students were angry at the recent announcement because they can no longer relax and enjoy its beauty. Also, some Biology professors are expressing concerns about the possibility of dangerous chemicals leaching into the local water supply. However, President Trump states the science isn’t settled; making Union energy independent will make Union great again! One rumor floating around is the complete renovation of the top sphere of the Nott Memorial. Apparently, President Trump wants to re-design the top sphere to showcase dozens of crosses along the outside. This construction project could take months, but the result could be the end of Union’s non-denominational status. Hopefully, President Trump will continue to make Union great in the next 100 days of his Presidency and decide not to label the Concordiensis as “fake news.”

1 COMMENT

  1. Jeeze, somebody has some free time on there hands. To bad they cant put those idle hands to work building a better place for every body. Instead this “writer” seeks to divide. Your little bit on Christianly was a bit uncalled for and frankly rude. People like this are deeply hurting inside and have some hate. BTW taxing meat is a terrible idea and you wont get a dime from me as I shoot what I eat.

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