Some New Year’s resolutions you might actually keep

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You want to lose the 20 pounds you gained this holiday season. You want to finish that book you never started.

You Tweet from your friend’s house that you want to spend more time with loved ones.

You just downright want to be a better you. This is the beauty of New Year’s.

People make empty promises that they know they won’t be able to keep come Jan. 7. Steve Harvey’s career as a “Miss Universe” host lasted longer than your New Year’s resolution.

You feel guilty. You feel self-loathe. You feel like a supermodel after eating half a ham sandwich.

The problem isn’t you; it’s your goals.

Everyone this time of year gives themselves unrealistic goals. There is a better chance of Tom catching Jerry than you losing weight.

Have no fear! I am here to offer you up achievable goals!

  1. Say thank you when someone holds the door open for you. The worst kinds of people are those who don’t say thank you. When you don’t say thank you, people assume you are the kind of person who would vote for Trump. No one wants that.

2. Brush your teeth more. You think your breath doesn’t smell bad, but it does. Please do humanity a favor and just stick to at least two times a day.

3. Stop complaining about your phone. This is why other countries hate us. As we complain about how long it takes for a message from Vermont to go to space and then to California, there is a village in Africa where the people are deciding how to split their bottle of water.

4. Post fewer inspiring quotes on social media. No one will find motivation from your Facebook post. You are not acting like Gandhi when you post a rap lyric from Lil Wayne. We would all actually appreciate more cat videos.

5Don’t have a New Year’s resolution. This is a great one for two reasons: first, no one cares, and second, by not having a New Year’s resolution, you have already achieved your goal.

These are much more manageable goals that you can give yourself this year. Being a better you doesn’t mean being healthier, fitter and superior. It means annoying those around you less!

 

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